I do believe the music you listen to, the books you read, the movies you watch,

may affect your way of thinking.

And I also believe that an angry teenager can turn out to be  just fine.

I'm glad I was an angry teenager (and by angry I mean quietly angry; questioning status quo, reluctant to follow irrational rules and social norms, and not tolerating injustice — but not so quietly), it means I had emotion towards the crooked society, it means I paid attention, it means I could think.

I'm glad I listened to good music, it wasn't just about the music though.. it was also about the lyric. I felt like the complete package (music and lyric) can understand me, it was like listening to my own "voice", it was like "this is what I wanna say.". And when I was a kid, I read fantasy story books and I watched the weirdest dark/ gothic movies (mostly by Tim Burton). I think those books and movies helped my younger self to be comfortable in my own skin, I was exposed to those weirdos and I loved them so very much with all my heart, to me they were the coolest people. My moral compass has always been from books, movies and music, and I connect with them deeply. 

And I'm glad I never tried to fit in in society, never tried to fit at school, never tried to hangout with rich and popular kids, never tried to adjust my emotion for the needs of other people. I wasn't a popular girl obviously, not that I tried to be one, and I also wasn't the lame and unpopular girl. I wasn't the kind of girl who can be bullied, but I also wasn't the kind of girl who likes to bully and say something offensive towards other people. I’ve always been in the "halfway down the stairs, isn't up and isn't down, not at the bottom, not at the top. It isn't really anywhere, it's somewhere else instead." it's like.. I live outside the bubble while other people live inside the bubble. You know, when you live outside the bubble, you can see things a bit clearly, you can see how sick the society is, you can see how shallow this popularity thing and how it may turn someone to be so fake and evil.

Now that I look back on my teenage years, I'm glad I was the kind of teenager that I can be proud of. I'm glad this adult version of me can reflect my teenage version, just a bit less angry (probably my close friends won't agree with it, I hate stupid arguments 😂) — I feel more calm now, I care more about other people’s feeling, I do yoga to manage my stress so I won’t be fussy or immediately angry when people are being unprofessional — I don’t like being angry, it makes me tired.

If you're a parent and have kids/ teenagers who feel that they do not fit in in the society, just don't ask them to socialize with other people, let them decide which type of people they want to hangout with. I don't have any parental experience, but I do know how it feels when people push you to smile and be nice to everybody when you don't feel like it, trust me it sucks. I don't like being the center of attention, I don't like being around people that I’m not comfortable with, and I'm glad my parents understand me, well I’m not really sure if they trully understand me, probably they just love me so they let me be me. In a world full of people who like to project themselves (or their feelings) onto others, it’s nice to have family that don’t do this. I think the best thing you can do is creating a safe space for your children to be themselves and they’re gonna be just fine!

Wish

 

So this is my wish, a wish for me as much as it is a wish for you: in the world to come, let us be brave – let us walk into the dark without fear, and step into the unknown with smiles on our faces, even if we're faking them. 

And whatever happens to us, whatever we make, whatever we learn, let us take joy in it. We can find joy in the world if it's joy we're looking for, we can take joy in the act of creation. 

So that is my wish for you, and for me. Bravery and joy.

 

By: Neil Gaiman (New Year wish — but I make it my birthday wish) I hope we all can be brave in this crazy world, brave to be ourselves, brave to take chances, brave to stand up for what we believe in, brave in our everyday life.

 

She was brave, she was smart, she was strong, she was kind.

She lived in a beautiful world.

He came from a different world, a gloomy one.

They became friends.

She opened his eyes, she showed him that life can be interesting.

She believed in him when he didn’t believe in himself.

He loved her.

But he was too afraid.

He was not ready to grow.

He hurt her to hide his feeling.

So she left.

She withdrew herself from him.

They stopped talking to each other.

“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.”

*iseng2an malam minggu
*inspired by: This Is How It Feels — d4vd ft. Laufey

Why Germany? Why Europe?

I just got back from Germany.. when I was there, some people asked me “why Germany? why not America? or the the UK? or other countries you’ve never been to?”, “why winter? why don’t you wait for spring or summer?”

So here’s the story…

_______________

Fun fact (that’s not not so fun):

When people enter the “adult life”, some people get obsessed with money and position, they’re being extremely competitive. Even when you hangout with them, all they talk about is their achievement (everybody is just so proud of themselves, everybody is so full of themselves).

Some people around me are so fake, they’re just a bunch of fake nice people, smile a lot, their words are so fluffy and sweet (as honey), they tell you that their life is all sunshine and rainbow, they pretend to be nice, everything is so staged, but at some point, they’re so mean.. sometimes they say harsh things about other people — yet, they can smile and be nice to them. and still they think they’re the best people.

Last but not least… social media is full of people who try to prove themselves, they show you they have the best life, the best friends, the best partner, the best job, they assume their opinion is the most important thing in the world, they’re too loud.

Those people creep me out. 

________________

I was so tired of people. I felt so distant, and it wasn’t a nice feeling... 

So, as soon as Germany opened the border, I immediately made a plan to travel to Germany for 3 months, (my job is quite flexible and my bosses are amazing — they knew much I needed this break). It was never about exploring Europe, I didn’t even wait for spring/summer, it was more like I needed to hangout with my kind of people, I missed something familiar, I missed kindness, I missed something pure, I missed being with people without talking about anything related to money and achievement. I just wanted to shut out the world for it’s too loud, too noisy, too busy, too competitive, too unhealthy for my mind and soul.

And it was the right decision!

Writing

Hi all,

(This is just me pretending people read my blog) ✌🏼

I used to write my opinion and some (not so good) short stories on my blog, but then I stopped. I'm not sure why I stopped, probably because I was busy with my study. I still write my view about something though, but just in Notes on my phone.

I just realized I miss this blog!

Usually I write when I'm alone, when I can be 100% with myself, listen to my favorite music, get lost in my own thoughts. I barely have this privilege now. For me, writing is important (even though I'm not good at it), it helps me feel connected with myself, it helps me hear myself think in this noisy world, it’s like being in my own wonderland, it's good for my soul.

We listen to other people's opinion everyday, do we even have time to listen to ourselves? do we have time to sit still and actually think how we view or feel about something? Do we have time to reflect? If we never listen to ourselves, we will be overly influenced by others' opinions, and at some point in our life, we will be overwhelmed and confused.

I’d like to write again (I don’t mean high quality writing — just a simple one, so please don’t expect much) on this blog ☺

I saw some girls,

They're so nice and almost never say no to other people, smile a lot, always say something sweet, barely get angry. I do like this kind of people, it's just... I know I cannot be like them.

I saw some girls, 

They're so mean and harsh on other girls, judge a lot, not only in the real world but also on social media, and I realize I can never be that kind of girl.

I saw some girls,
I'm glad I can never ever be other types of girls but me.  

Falling in love with Germans

Sebagai orang Indonesia, kita selalu dibilang sebagai bangsa yang ramah dan murah senyum, tapi ketika melihat ada yang butuh bantuan, hanya ada sedikit orang yang mau membantu. Bertolak belakang dengan orang Jerman, yang katanya dingin, selalu cemberut, ga ramah, pemarah, dan lain-lain.. tapi ketika ada yang butuh bantuan (di jalan, di stasiun bus, di stasiun kereta) aku selalu melihat ada yang mau membantu.

Pertama kali nyampe di Jerman, aku dibantu oleh cewek-cewek usia belasan tahun (kalo di indonesia typical yang lagi gaul-gaulnya) untuk ngangkat koper isi 30kg pas naik kereta, terus nyampe di stasiun kereta di kota tempat aku tinggal, ada cewek yang ngasih tebengan diantar ke rumah, karna udah jam 12 malam, kayaknya dia kasian ngeliat aku dengan koper segede itu. Aku juga pernah ngeliat cewek yang lari-lari untuk pencet tombol pintu kereta buat orang lain, kalo ga.. keretanya keburu jalan dan si orang ini harus nunggu kereta selanjutnya, pernah juga ngeliat ibu-ibu dan bapak-bapak yang bantuin seorang ibu dengan kereta bayi pas lagi turun tangga.

Terus, ada juga nenek-nenek yang ngasih uang ke temenku.. waktu itu dia belum dapat Student Card (semester ticket), jadi kalo naik bus biasanya bisa nunjukin LOA aja, tapi itu juga tergantung supir bus-nya. Pas hari itu supir busnya ga mau, tetep kekeuh kalo temenku ini harus bayar, akhirnya dia bayar.. terus nenek yang ada di bus itu marah ke supirnya dan dia ngasih uang ke temenku buat gantiin ongkos bus tadi, dikasihnya lebih lagi, hehe..

Pernah juga pas aku naik bus waktu pindahan, ada anak SD (cowok)  yang nawarin tempat duduk ke aku.. katanya "möchten Sie sitzen?" sambil dianya berdiri, terus aku senyum dan bilang "Nein, danke.", terus dia duduk lagi. sumpah ga nyangka anak SD bisa sepeduli ini ke orang yang dia ga kenal.

Yang aku suka.. hal-hal kayak gini udah jadi hal yang biasa bagi mereka, itu bukan sesuatu yang wah lagi, dari anak kecil sampai orang tua bersikap saling membantu. remaja-remaja nya juga kayak gitu, mereka haha hihi, tapi gitu ngeliat ada yang butuh bantuan, langsung dibantu..

Dan.. Anak-anaknya juga mandiri banget, masih SD udah naik kereta dan bus sendirian (bus umum, bukan bus sekolah), mungkin karna tingkat kriminalnya rendah ya, jadi orangtuanya ga harus antar jemput anak.

Mereka juga disiplin, bukan hanya dalam hal kerjaan.. tapi juga di kegiatan sehari-hari, kayak naik turun kereta dan bus. kalo di Spanyol, Belanda, Prancis (baru ke Paris doank sih), kalo kita mau turun kereta.. pasti tabrak-tabrakan sama orang yang mau naik, tapi kalo di Jerman, yang mau naik biasanya nunggu di samping, ngasih jalan buat orang yang mau turun dulu, setelah semuanya keluar.. baru deh mereka naik. 

Orang Jerman patuh banget sama lampu lalu lintas dan kalo kita mau nyebrang di tempat penyebrangan yang ga ada lampu lalu lintasnya (di tempat ini pejalan kaki boleh nyebrang kapan aja), yang naik mobil pasti bakalan berhenti, kadang-kadang atau sering malah.. kita masih 2 meter lagi ke tempat penyebrangan, mereka udah berhenti duluan. Nah di negara-negara yang aku sebutin tadi.. rata-rata pada ga peduli sama lampu lalu lintas. Bukannya mau sombong, tapi gitu nyampe Paris, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Madrid, dll.. berasa pusiiing banget

Pastilah ya ga 100% masyarakat Jerman kayak gitu, tapi aku berani bilang mayoritasnya iya.

Banyak yang bilang orang jerman itu kaku, ga bisa melucu, ga tau gimana caranya bersenang-senang. Banyak orang yang ga suka dengan karakter orang Jerman, tapi aku bukan salah satunya.. aku bahkan jatuh cinta dengan karakter mereka.

Living in Germany makes me realize there are still some people out there who are willing to help other people (on the street, bus station, train station) who are completely strangers to them. German education system is difficult, like... very difficult, especially for those who get used to Indonesian system. But if I have an opportunity to choose all over again, I'd still choose Germany.

I always thought I was "I like books more than I like people" kind of person, but now I'm not so sure anymore.. sometimes people aren't that bad.

Sometimes I fall in love with people, with their character, with their kindness, with their thoughts.

I haven't wrote anything since almost forever, and when I decided to post something.. it's just a quote by my favorite author. I love it.

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb. It is always a mistake never even to make the attempt."

"If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fall, that hard to fall? Sometimes you wake, and sometimes, yes, you die. But there is a third alternative."

"Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly."

(Neil Gaiman - The Sandman, Vol. 6: Fables and Reflections)

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted

When people don't care about other people, about society, I'm okay with that.. nobody can push anybody to care and help. But when they said "it's bullshit" to people who really want to help other people, I'm totally not okay with that. Not because I‘m in this Unicef group at our university, but because there are a lot of people out there who really need help. 

Guy: "oh you're in that Unicef bullshit."

Me: "It's not bullshit."

Guy: "Yes it is."

Me: "No it's not."

Another guy: "Yes it is."

Me: "Well everybody has their own opinion."

Guy: "What do you do?"

Me: "We had presentations (spread the news, trying to make students care about social condition), and we collect donation."

Guy: "Where does the donation go to?"

Me: "To the kids."

Guy: "In Africa?"

Me: "No, in the refugee camps, but since you said it's bullshit, so.."

Guy: "Oh you're offended."

Me: "Nope!"

I don't know what he mean by "bullshit", helping children.. or children's sad condition. Seriously, I'm not offended by this, I get angry though, because there are actually some people who really need help, there are a lot of refugees from Syria, they live in camps, they don't get enough food, they don't get enough warm clothes for winter. and the kids, do you even see them? Do you even know about this condition? they are right in front of our eyes, and some people just ignore them and some others just hate them. 

I was kinda happy at the university today when I saw some students who actually care about society, only a few though, but still it was very nice to be around people who have the same vision as us. some of them focus on helping children, some focus on violence. And my flatmate think it's bullshit, wow! unbelievable! what do they know about life when they spend every cent of their money to buy some weeds? when they don't even bother to read news, or ask other students about the real situation in their country. I don't know if what we did today will help those people in need, I don't know if it will make any change. I'm still trying to stop complaining and start doing something.. whatever I can do. I always believe, "No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."

I don't drink alcohol, I drink coffee

I don't smoke (cigarette and weed)

I don't really like parties 

I like books (especially novels) more than I like people

I love movies and I can talk about them for hours

I fall in love with my music playlists

I'm an adult who still watch cartoons

I read comic books and I watch anime

Batman is my beloved superhero

Some people said I'm cool and it was a nice thing to hear, but most of them were drunk and (or) high, so what's the point anyway?

I love talking with people who have interesting point of view

You think I'm lame? it's okay..

To be honest, I really don't care.

it rained today.
i took a drive.
people get born.
people get high.
people get mail.
people get cancer.
people get lucky.
people get tests.
people get flowers.
people get jailed.
people get surprised.
people get shot.
people get trapped.
people get honored.
people get lost.
people get busy.
people get sainted.
people get abortions.
people get frustrated.
people get on with it. 

it rained today.
i took a drive.
i took this shot.
i didn't die.

By: Amanda Palmer

September is...

The beginning of my favourite season, Autumn.
The start of new semester at my favourite school, Hogwarts.
The birthday of my favourite character in Harry Potter, Hermione Granger.
The birthday of two my favourite authors, Shel Silverstein and Roald Dahl.
And the birthday of my favourite person in the world, me.

September is... my favourite month of the year.

IT'S GREAT

It's great to love good music, movies, and books.

It's great to have imagination and your very own wonderland.

It's great to be yourself.

It's great to have family who love you and you love very much.

It's great to have friends, not so many.. only a few, but they accept you for who you are without trying to analyse you or acting like they know about you more than you do.

It's great to get some sleep, plus some sleep, and some sleep.

It's great to live your life.

It's great to feel great.